I am a Brit and naturalized American living on the east coast, with an amazing wife and three wonderful kids. I am trying to balance living today with pursuing my healing journey and advocacy. My kids do not know I am a survivor, so I am anonymous. I picked up healing and advocacy again a year ago when I learnt my parents were dead.
(Trigger Warning) My survivor story
(click here for a more detailed version – HIGH trigger risk)
My father was a CSA victim from his father. My mother, the product of rape, was the victim of post-slavery brutality in the Caribbean island where she was born. I was first raped by my father when I was around 2 and this continued until I was around 9. My mother also abused me, including horsewhipping me and trying to smother me. I also went through constant hitting, and almost total emotional neglect.
This is the police report recently prepared by the UK Met on my parents’ abusiveness.
My parents hid the abuse through my mother (a medical professional) tampering with my records.
I won a scholarship to a boarding school at age 11 and there was raped again and witnessed rape too.
I had first recall at university and, after a period of MH crisis, I changed my name and disowned all family. I left the UK shortly after and disregarded the ‘old’ life.
My healing today
The main impact of my childhood has been an almost total emotional suppression and a dissociative double-life caused by my change of name and anonymity. I am now having to learn what each emotion is from studying physical feelings and symptoms. Example – sadness feels like heat on my face from an open oven. I am using the DNMS modality (www.dnmsinstitute.com) in therapy to try and unlock emotional capability and heal old wounds.
I have written a ‘rescue fantasy’ of little me as part of my healing and also recorded it in audio.
I am also active in advocating for change – see my advocacy page.
I got expelled from school in 1987! I had a Sony Walkman stuffed in my pocket and recorded it all. You can listen to it here. (starts 3 mins into recording. No survivorship content just kinda ridiculous fun. Big file so best done on wifi. Refresh browser if you hit a problem and try again. Max your volume. My apologies for sounding so English and cocky.).
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